And Now, A Moment Of Quiet Contemplation

Brought To You By Nathaniel Jones

AKA Lysander J. Wise

The silence falls upon our ears as a mighty tree falls upon the earth. The darkness of a starless sky shadows the earth the way some other dark thing shadows something other than the earth. The way the swallow, be it African or European, flies south, fleeing the winter’s bitter chill. But still! An Idea forms in my brain, and opens up and divines its glory to me like a winter’s rose, blooming even in the dead of winter. The idea is thus: If an African swallow, living on the Equator, were to decide to leave its surroundings for the winter, which way would it go? Straight down? For is it not true that the point to flying south is to be closer to the equator? If not, what is the point of their southerly direction? There seems to be only one logical explanation, and that is that the swallows have the same reason as I have for writing this silly paper: There are looking to go to Tulane. You see, we are all a little bit like swallows, flying around, looking where to go. When one lives in Washington state, though, there seems to be only one direction that one can go, and that is south, for the only thing north of here is Canada, and we all know that the only thing up there is snow, and silly people with silly hats hopping up and down saying “Eh! Eh!” No offense to any Canadians reading this. Wait, what am I thinking? Canadians can’t read! But enough of that! I am in an AP English class, so I know that somewhere in this paragraph I am supposed to stick a thesis, and I haven’t done that yet, so I shall begin it now: Canadians are stupid. NO! That’s the wrong thesis. The REAL thesis is this: I, Nathaniel Jones, AKA Lysander J. Wise, should be admitted to Tulane with a full scholarship, free room and board, free books, and a masseuse to follow me around and give me massages whenever I want one. Oh, and four pigmies to carry me on one of those big chairs made of sticks, with two scantily clad Amazon women on either side of me, one with a large palm leaf to fan me, and the other to feed me peeled grapes.

And some screaming groupies. And a Palm Pilot.

So, why is it that I deserve all of these wonderful things? Because I’m a Genius, that’s why! (As it so clearly states on my button.) I shall bring your school up to a higher level. Imagine, if you will, the conversation of two high school seniors, discussing next years plan:

Student One: Guess what, I got accepted! I’m going to Tulane next year!

Student Two: Tulane! TTTTTHHHHHHBBBBBBB!

Now imagine that the second student, upon hearing the name “Tulane,” sticks his thumb on his nose, wiggles his fingers, and makes a rude noise that I attempted to write above, although I may have mis-spelled it. Now imagine that same conversation once I begin going to Tulane:

Student One: Guess what, I got accepted! I’m going to Harvard next year!

Student Two: Harvard! You fool! Don’t go to that dumb school, go to TULANE!

Student One: Tulane! Gee, thanks, Student Two, you just stopped me from making a huge mistake! What was I thinking? Harvard! TTTTTHHHHHHBBBBBBB!

See now, I think that just about proves my point. When one student can make that much difference, I think he deserves all of his demands. If you disagree, I recommend looking over those examples once more, and decide which reaction YOU would rather get!

So hey! If I have all of that power, why would I waste my time giving four years of my life to TULANE? Well, I’ll tell you: because they kept sending me stuff. And sending me more stuff. And sending me the same stuff they sent me last time just to make sure that I got it. And I know that anyone willing to send me that must stuff must want me bad enough to let me grace the fine campus, even with all my wild demands. Besides, the school is in N’Awrlins (that’s my best impression of a southern drawl), the wildest place in the south! Why just think: Mardi gras all the year round (except for those times when it’s not Mardi gras. Hey, wait! Mardi Gras is only once a year! Well, at least I’ll be able to pretend it’s Mardi Gras by throwing beads around my dorm room and flashing myself in the mirror.) But enough about you, let’s talk about me!

This paragraph is serious, so don’t fall asleep. Here is a list of facts about Nathaniel Jones, all of which are true, except for the fake ones, which I marked with an asterisk.

FACT: Nathaniel Jones is A Genius, and he has been told so by Famous Celebrities!

FACT: Nathaniel Jones has been called be people he DOESN’T EVEN KNOW the following praising names: “Genius!” “Funny as hell!” “The funniest man on Earth!” “My Personal Hero” “A God” “The Sexiest Man in the Sound-waves” (Note: Although this is true, it may be important to not that I was the ONLY man in the Sound-waves.)

“First Man to Walk on the Moon!*” “The President of the United States!*” (I was, however, the President of the ASB one year.) “The only human to beat up Godzilla using only a herring!*” “Humble!*”

FACT: Nathaniel Jones is a National Merit Semi-Finalist! (In the running to be a finalist)

FACT: Nathaniel Jones refers to himself in the third person when praising himself!

FACT: Nathaniel Jones has received many Standing Ovations for his Improv shows!

FACT: Nathaniel Jones Has A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts!*

FACT: Deedle dee dee!

Gee, I could write about myself for hours, couldn’t you? I know, I know, I want to write about me some more, too, but I’m running out of room, and I must write a conclusion! Don’t worry, when you put me in your school, you can listen to me brag about myself all day long! Woo hoo!

So anyway, as a way to sum up the paper, you should bribe me to come to Tulane by granting all my wishes, because I’m so awesome, and I’ll make the school a better name than Harvard, because I’m so very awesome, and furthermore, I am so awesome that I have a fish named “Awesome.” As a final thought, I shall leave you with a quote from earlier in the paper, which basically sums up why you should let me in to Tulane:

“Because I’m a Genius, THAT’s Why!”