“Duff Conquers
All”
By Nathaniel
Jones
BLACKBOARD: “I did not
lose my legs in ‘Nam.”
COUCH: everybody
runs, in, room is rearranged. MARTHA STEWART is dusting.
MARTHA STEWART
So you see how
a simple rearrangement can really lighten up a room. I’m Martha Stewart.
FADE
IN:
INT.
MOE’S TAVERN – DAY
BARNEY, LENNY and CARL sit at bar. MOE cleans
glass. HOMER struts in, whistling. He sits down looking smug. Moe gives Homer
mug of beer. Homer sips beer, laughs in a sly fashion.
LENNY
Hey Homer, what
gives? You look happier than a pig with a pancake!
MOE
Yeah! I didn’t
give you the good beer by mistake, did I?
HOMER
No, no. Today
is the luckiest day of my life!
MOE
What happened?
HOMER
Oh, nothing…
(LOOKING SLY) Just THIS!
HOMER whips out letter. Hands it to MOE
MOE
(READING) Dear
Mr. Simpson, on behalf of the entire Duff Beer family, we wish to congratulate
you on being Duff Beer’s one billionth customer. To celebrate, we’re inviting
you and all your friends to a special Duff Beer-thday Party at the Playboy
Mansion, where you will join Duff Man and all the gang for the wildest,
sexiest, drunkest party you’ve ever seen! Plus, to thank you for being such a
loyal customer, we are giving you the chance to drink all the Duff Beer you want,
all night long, absolutely free! We guarantee that if you can still stand at
the end of the night, we’ll give you ONE MILLION Dollars! (LOOKS UP) Geez,
Homer, this is great! (READS AGAIN) We look forward to seeing you there, this
Saturday night! Drink responsibly.
MOE hands back letter.
MOE
Homer, this is
the greatest thing I’ve ever seen!
HOMER
And of course,
everybody’s invited! But just wait – That’s not the best part… Look! A free Duff
key chain!
LENNY
Wow, the
Playboy Mansion… I can only imagine…
DREAM
SEQUENCE – IMAGINED PLAYBOY MANSION
Crowd of PLAYBOY BUNNIES all crowded around a
central figure, who is hidden. The Bunnies all stand in sexy poses, doing sexy
things. We hear LENNY’s sounds of immense pleasure.
Bunnies spread to reveal LENNY, sitting on
enormous bed reading a stack of Playboy Magazines. He is looking at the
centerfold and laughing with joy.
LENNY
Yes! Yes! I’m
in heaven! The only thing that would make this better is…
LENNY grabs as many magazines as he can carry.
LENNY
Hey, quick,
somebody! Where’s the bathroom?
(BACK TO SCENE)
CARL
Just imagine:
all the scantily clad women and beer you can handle!
HOMER
Mmmm… Beer…
(drool)
CARL
So, Homer, Marge
is actually letting you go to this?
HOMER
Marge? Heh
heh… AAAA!
HOMER runs out
door.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - DAY –
CONTINUOUS
HOMER and
MARGE stand in living room.
HOMER
But
Marge, this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! Never again will I be able to get
so, so drunk with so, so many gorgeous women, all of them at my fingertips,
just waiting to fulfill my every sexual –
MARGE gives
HOMER dirty look.
MARGE
(disapproving “hmmm”)
HOMER
Eh,
heh heh… I mean, it’s really just a
little business gathering, and since I am the reason for this meeting, it just
seems logical that I should at least make an appearance! And, perhaps, take the
opportunity to drink myself into a semi-conscious state!
MARGE
Homer,
I just don’t like the idea of you running around carousing with all of those…
people. I just know you’d do something crazy!
HOMER
Oh,
please, when have you EVER known me to do something crazy when I’m drunk?
SFX: CRICKETS CHIRP
MARGE
It’s
not that I don’t trust you, Homer, it’s just that… I really don’t!
HOMER
Honey… it’s
the playboy mansion! One of the most famous sexual landmarks of our time, and
it will be overflowing with drunken crazed lunatics! What’s the worst thing
that can happen?
MARGE gives stern look.
HOMER
Come on,
Marge! This is the single greatest opportunity of my life to go the single
greatest party of the century! What do you want me to do, bring you along as a
chaperone?
MARGE
Yes.
HOMER
D’oh!
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – THE NIGHT OF
THE PARTY
HOMER, in
tuxedo, paces around waiting for MARGE to be ready.
HOMER
Marge,
hurry up! The limo will be here any minute!
MARGE
I’m coming! I’m coming! Keep your shirt on!
SFX. DOORBELL
HOMER
AAAA!
He’s here! Omygodomygodomygod! Quick! How’s my breath?
MARGE
Fine!
HOMER
How’s my tux?
MARGE
Fine!
HOMER
How’s my hair?
MARGE
Long gone.
HOMER
Good enough. (clears throat)
HOMER opens
door with a flourish, bowing slightly. It’s NED FLANDERS.
HOMER
Good,
evening sir! And how are – Flanders! What are you doing here?
NED FLANDERS
Hidely
ho, Homer. I heard about your, eh, social tonight, and I thought that the kids
and I could sing you a song to keep you protected in that house of Sin! Ready
boys?
ROD and TODD
step out from behind FLANDERS.
NED FLANDERS
On three! One, two…
ALL FLANDERS
Sing:
If God had meant for us to be naked, then he would have made us be born that
way, kid! If we were meant for parties like those, he wouldn’t have given the
gift of clothes!
HOMER slams
door.
HOMER
Ohhhh, when’s he gonna get here?
MARGE
I’m sure he’ll be here soon!
SFX: DOORBELL
HOMER
Woo hoo!
Homer opens
door same way as before. LIMO DRIVER is same guy as the bellhop from the
episode in which Homer nearly has an affair in the hotel.
HOMER
Good evening, sir!
LIMO DRIVER
This way please, sir.
HOMER
Oo!
This is so exciting! I feel like Cinderella on the way to the ball, except that
instead of Cinderella, I’m me, and instead of a ball, it’s a drunken party at
the playboy mansion!
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE – NIGHT
We see large
stretch limo, glistening and sparkling in front of the house. HOMER runs to it.
HOMER
Wow! This whole thing is for us?
DRIVER
Well,
not exactly. You’ll be sharing with the cast of Dawson’s Creek - but they’re
not technically people, so it’s almost like getting the limo to yourself.
HOMER
(groan)
Well, they better store their egos under the seat.
DRIVER
Oh,
and just so you know, I can’t see into the back, so feel free to, you know,
have fun back there. You know, fun? Wink wink, nudge nudge, howl! Pant pant!
Grrr! (etc.)
HOMER
Oh, believe me, we’ll be having fun!
CUT TO
INT. LIMO – NIGHT
HOMER and MARGE
sit on opposite sides of the limo. HOMER presses different buttons, making
various things go up and down, i.e. windows, tables, cabinets. He is enjoying
himself thoroughly.
LIMO DRIVER
(through
window) Well, Mr. Simpson, we’re almost there…
HOMER
Woo hoo!
HOMER opens sunroof,
stands up so that he’s out of the sunroof.
HOMER
I’m the king of the world!
Homer is hit
by branch.
HOMER
D’oh!
HOMER is hit
by low bridge.
HOMER
D’oh!
HOMER leans
back down
HOMER
That’s
a bit too dangerous for me! I’d better stay low where it’s safe!
LIMO stops
suddenly, sending a glass flying and hitting Homer in the crotch.
HOMER
D’OH!
EXT. PLAYBOY MANSION – NIGHT
All the
characters from Springfield are there, milling about, drinking, having fun. Limo
pulls in front of mansion, DRIVER opens door while HOMER and MARGE step out.
HOMER
Thank
you, my good man! But weren’t we supposed to pick up the cast of Dawson’s
Creek?
DRIVER
Oh…
yeah… Well, no big loss. Anyway, it was a pleasure serving you, sir. I trust
you had a pleasurable ride, eh?
Pleasurable ride? You old dog, you! Now, about, uh…
(DRIVER rubs
fingers together, gesturing for a tip. HOMER looks at driver. After a moment, reaches
into pocket and pulls out wine glasses, stolen from limo.)
HOMER
Oh, fine! Keep your wine glasses! See if I care.
(DRIVER takes
glasses, motions as if he will speak, then brushes the thought away and gets
back in the limo and drives off.)
INT. PLAYBOY MANSION – CONTINUOUS
HOMER and
MARGE enter, look around room. VARIOUS SPRINGFIELD PEOPLE greet them.
DISCO STU
It
is Saturday night, and Disco Stu is feelin’ the fever! Eh!
GROUNDSKEEPER
WILLY
You
call this a beer? This beer couldn’t get George W. Bush drunk.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Oh,
we’ll see about that!
GEORGE W. BUSH
begins chugging Duff until he passes out. SECRET SERVICE runs in, blocks W.
from view. Pull out a “men in black” mind eraser thing. Flash it at the people
SECRET SERVICE
GUY #1
Nothing
to see here, people. Just, uh, choking on a pretzel.
SECRET SERVICE
GUY #2
“Choking
on a pretzel?” come one, who’s gonna buy that?
CIRCLE AROUND MARGE AND HOMER, REVEALING
MANSION IN ALL ITS GLORY
Beer fountains
spray beer, huge mugs line the room. A group of people sits in beer Jacuzzi. A
group of PLAYMATES in bikinis. They adorn HOMER with a top hat with cans of
beer on both sides like those beer hats that you see at sporting events. One
gives him a large sash that says “Drunk of the year”
HOMER
And
you said drinking would never take me anywhere!
MUSIC: “Oh Yeah” (Ferris Beuler song)
DUFF MAN
enters on a wave of Duff, with much excitement, and perhaps a large musical
number.
DUFF MAN
Duff
Man has arrived, to remind you all that when the going gets tough, the Duff
gets Flowing! Oh yeah! (CROWD CHEERS)And now, I give you the man of the hour,
Homer Simpson!
HOMER
What? That’s
me! Woo hoo! Marge, did you here that? I’m the man of the hour!
DUFF MAN
Come on,
Homer, get off your Duff and get up here!
HOMER
You don’t have to tell me twice!
LONG PAUSE
DUFF MAN
Uh, Homer…
HOMER
Oh, right.
HOMER runs up
to where Duff Man stands.
MARGE
Homer! Just don’t do anything…
HOMER stands
on the edge of a giant mug of Duff.
HOMER
I am a golden god! (CROWD CHEERS)
OLD ENGLISH MAN
#1
I’d say he’s really more of a “canary yellow.”
OLD ENGLISH MAN
#2
Quite right.
HOMER leaps
into giant swimming pool that spells out DUFF. What begins as a dive turns into
a flailing belly flop.
SFX: CRASH / SPLASH
Cheers change
to “oooo” of pain and horror.
MARGE
… stupid.
DUFF MAN
Now, that’s gotta hurt! Oh yeah!
INT. PLAYBOY MANSION– A LITTLE LATER
HOMER wakes
up, looking woozy.
MARGE
Homer! Are you alright?
HOMER
I’m fine. While
I was in the pool, I ingested just enough alcohol so that I can no longer feel
pain.
DUFF MAN
Whoa,
that was some DUFF defying act you pulled there, Homer!
HUGH HEFNER
Approaches surrounded by gorgeous women.
HUGH HEFNER
It certainly was. Hello, Homer. I am Hugh Hefner.
HOMER
Wow! Hugh Hefner!
HUGH HEFNER
And
these are my girlfriends: Tiffany, Amber, Candy, Pamela, Cindy, Veronica, and…
that one.
GIRLFRIENDS
Hi, Homer!
HOMER
They DO exist! Say, Hugh – can I call you Hugh?
HUGH HEFNER
Oh, Homer! Call me Hef.
HOMER
Did
you hear that Marge? Hugh Hefner is letting me call him Hef! Oo! Can I call you
“the Heffer?”
MARGE
Homer, “heffer” is a cow!
HOMER
Marge,
shh! He’ll here you! So, Hef, I’ve wanted to ask you this question ever since
high school. How do you get so many gorgeous naked women to flock around you?
I’ve been trying to do that my whole life and all I got was…
MARGE gives
dirty look.
HOMER
…A
great marriage that I couldn’t be happier with.
HUGH HEFNER
Well,
Homer, there is no “one key” to my success. But if I had to give an answer, I’d
say above all it’s my immense fame, wealth and power.
HOMER
Wow…
to think it’s all that easy.
HUGH HEFNER
Well,
the Viagra helps, too.
HOMER
And
how did you get fame, wealth and power?
HUGH HEFNER
Now
that’s the difficult part, and there is no “right way” to go about it. The way
I got it was by having gorgeous naked women flock around me.
HUGH HEFNER
notice’s MARGE
HUGH HEFNER
And
speaking of gorgeous women, who is this fine lady?
MARGE
Don’t
try to flatter me. I’m just here to keep my husband
out of trouble. I full heartedly disagree with everything about your sex
magazine.
HUGH HEFNER
Oh,
I hope that you don’t think that all of my wealth is based on sex. Did you know
I also produced the film Macbeth?
MARGE
Oh, really?
HUGH HEFNER
Of
course, there were some that disapproved of my artistic decision to add
gratuitous nudity to Shakespeare’s play, but I say, to each his own.
MARGE
(disapproving “hmmm”)
HUGH HEFNER
Come, I’ll take you on the grand tour.
HOMER
Marge,
we’re taking a tour of the Playboy Mansion with Hugh Hefner! Can you think of
anything better than this?
MARGE
Yes.
DUFF MAN
Duff Man says
the only way to make this Saturday night any better is to try it drunk off your
ass! Oh yeah!
HOMER
You got that
right!
MARGE
Homer…
HOMER
Uh, on second
thought, I’d better pass.
DUFF MAN
And I thought
I’d better pass… you a Duff! And Marge, I bet you’d look better drunk, too.
MARGE
(COLDLY) I
don’t drink.
DUFF MAN
Oh, I didn’t
mean you’d look better if you were
drunk. I meant you’d look better if I
were drunk.
DUFF MAN chugs beer. Looks at MARGE.
DUFF MAN
Oh yeah! Now
excuse me, the Duff Man’s public needs him. (as he’s leaving) Calm down,
ladies, there’s enough Duff Man to go around! Duff Man is “All-You-Can-Eat!” Oh
yeah!
HUGH HEFNER
Well, what do
you say we continue?
INT.
PLAYBOY MANSION – HALL WAY – MOMENTS LATER
HUGH HEFNER, HOMER, and MARGE walk through a
large hallway covered in framed magazines, pictures and certificates.
HUGH HEFNER
This is my
Hall of Fame. Here I keep the documents for all my special accomplishments. This
is the first issue of Playboy ever published. Here is my Friars Club lifetime
achievement award.
HOMER points out a very religious piece of
paper.
HOMER
What’s this
one?
HUGH HEFNER
That’s the
official condemnation from the Catholic Church.
MARGE
You call that
an ‘accomplishment?’
HUGH HEFNER
Yes, I agree
it’s not a GREAT accomplishment. I mean, who here HASN’T been condemned by the
Catholic Church at one point or another?
(LONG PAUSE) Anyway,
let’s move on.
INT.
PLAYBOY MANSION – INFLATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS
HOMER, MARGE, and HUGH HEFNER walk into large
room, where many PLAYMATES are having their breasts inflated.
HUGH HEFNER
As you can
see, this is where we keep the models up to par. As you might imagine, it takes
a lot of work to keep up their appearances. After all, models like these don’t
multiply like rabbits!
HOMER has a blank stare.
HUGH HEFNER
See, they’re
playboy “bunnies,” so they don’t multiply like “rabbits.”
HOMER has a blank stare.
HOMER
Doesn’t that
mean they WOULD multiply like rabbits?
HUGH HEFNER
Never mind.
HOMER
I have a
question…
HUGH HEFNER
If you must.
HOMER
What would
happen if you inflated someone so much that they -
SFX:
BALLOON POP
HUGH HEFNER
We don’t like
to talk about it.
VOICE OVER (INTERCOM)
Clean up in
isle six.
HUGH HEFNER
You know,
Homer, as my special guest, I’d be happy to give your wife a tune-up. On the
house!
HOMER
Well, maybe
just a couple inches.
MARGE
Homer!
HOMER
Oh, Marge!
What harm could a few sizes do?
SFX:
BALLOON POP AGAIN
MARGE
No!
HOMER
(secretly to
Hefner) Wait till she turns her back… you get her arms, and I –
MARGE
Homer, I can
hear what you’re saying.
HOMER
D’oh!
MARGE
Homer, let’s
get out of here.
HUGH HEFNER
I couldn’t
agree more! All this walking is making me thirsty! What do you say we all go
back to the party and kill a few million brain cells?
MARGE
No. Homer,
I’ve had enough of this place! We’re leaving.
HOMER
But the free
beer, Marge! The free beer!
MARGE
Thank you for
your hospitality, Mr. Hefner, but my husband and I are going home.
HUGH HEFNER
I’m afraid I
can’t let you do that, Mrs. Simpson.
HUGH HEFNER pulls chain, large cage drops down,
trapping HOMER and MARGE.
MARGE
What are you
doing!
DUFF MAN appears behind them.
DUFF MAN
Duff Man has
arrived, delivering you a cool blast of refreshment, with a twist of plot! Oh
yeah!
HOMER
Duff Man?
You’re turning against me? The one man I thought I could count on?
DUFF MAN
You see,
Homer, I am not Duff Man. I am…
DUFF MAN removes mask to reveal DIRK L’AMAR, a
weasily looking accountant.
DIRK L’AMAR
Dirk L’Amar,
accountant for Duff Beer, inc.
HOMER
AAAA! Marge,
we’ve been kidnapped by an accountant!
MARGE
Wow, I never
thought I’d see the day when you can’t trust a corporate accountant!
HOMER
What did you
do with the REAL Duff Man?
DIRK L’AMAR
Do not fear,
your beloved icon is safe…
A curtain is drawn, revealing Duff Man chained
to a wall.
HOMER
AAAA! Duff
Man, do something!
DUFF MAN
(weakly) Duff
Man… needs… beer… oh… yeah!
DUFF MAN’s Duff belt is hanging on hook next to
him. He tries to reach it, but just out of reach.
MARGE
Why are you
doing this?
DIRK L’AMAR
It’s all a
matter of money, Marge. When you accepted the invitation to the party, you were
also agreeing to participate in the contest.
HOMER
What contest?
DIRK pulls letter from pocket, reads:
DIRK L’AMAR
“We guarantee
that if you can still stand at the end of the night, we’ll give you ONE MILLION
Dollars!” You see, Homer, if you leave now, while you can still stand, you
would win the contest, and, well, we just can’t let that happen. So, since you
did not voluntarily drink the money away, we’ll have to do this the hard way!
Ladies?
PLAYMATES pull various weapons from out of
cleavage, and slowly move towards Simpsons’ cage.
HOMER
I don’t know
weather to be incredibly frightened or incredibly aroused!
PLAYMATES remove costumes, revealing burly
gentlemen
HOMER
AAA!
Frightened! Help me, Jebus!
DIRK L’AMAR
Ha ha! No one
can save you now!
GROUNDSKEEPER
WILLY
That’s what
YOU think! Don’t worry, I’m comin’ to save the lot of ya!
DIRK L’AMAR
Quick, stop
him! Don’t let him reach the cage!
ARMED GUARDS run out with super soakers full of Duff.
GUARD LEADER
Remember! Aim
for the mouth!
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY runs forward screaming in
determination. The guards fire their beer guns straight into GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY’s
mouth – he drinks the beer, and slows down, eventually falls.
DIRK
Ha! Didn’t
your mother ever teach you not to mess with an accountant?
GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY looks like he’s down for
the count… but then:
GROUNDSKEEPER
WILLY
And didn’t
YOUR mother ever teach you not to try to out-drink a Scotsman?
DIRK
GASP! Stop
him!
SLOW MOTION: Guards run at GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY,
beer guns shooting all the while. He manages to push a few out of the way.
During the ruckus, a stray spray of beer nudges DUFF MAN’s beer belt to within
reach – he catches it, but we don’t really notice it yet. Eventually, GROUNDSKEEPER
WILLY is overcome.
GROUNDSKEEPER
WILLY
Ach! You’d
think I’d learn my lesson by now!
DIRK
Well, now you
see. Once again, Duff conquers all.
DUFF MAN
(holding can
of Duff) That it does, my man. That it does!
DUFF MAN squeezes the can; it explodes, sending
beer into his mouth, Popeye-style. The Popeye music plays, Duff Man’s muscles
expand, and the chains break.
DUFF MAN
Oh yeah!
DUFF MAN easily pushes through all of the
guards and playmates. He says various witty things to the guards in
action-movie fashion, and various witty pick up lines to the playmates.
Eventually All the bad guys (and girls) are
piled high, with Chief Wiggum in front with police force. Homer and Marge are
free, and each holding large bags of money.
WIGGUM
All right,
boys, take these boys where they will
play no more!
COPS look confused.
WIGGUM
Uh, to prison.
Take them to prison.
COP
Why won’t they
be able to play in prison? Didn’t they just add on that new recreation area?
WIGGUM
Just take ‘em.
MARGE
Well, I hope
you learned that you can’t always trust a beer.
HOMER
What are you
talking about? Beer saved our lives, and our million dollars!
DIRK L’AMAR walks by in handcuffs.
DIRK L’AMAR
Not quite!
DIRK takes money.
HOMER
Hey!
DIRK L’AMAR
You see, there
is one piece of small print I didn’t mention. Look here, at the bottom of the
letter: “Winner agrees to forfeit all prizes in the unlikely case of: A –
death, B – nuclear holocaust, or C – foiling the evil scheme.” Ha!
HOMER
D’oh!
DIRK L’AMAR is carted off.
MARGE
Well, at least
we’re still alive, and we’ll have a good story to tell the kids!
HOMER
Yeah, I
suppose you’re right. As long as I have my health, I’ll be happy… Sob! I want
that money!
DUFF MAN
Duff Man has
something just as good!
HOMER
Huh?
DUFF MAN
What’s the
only thing more valuable that a million dollars? Duff beer! Here, take a free
case!
HOMER
Wow, thank
you, Duff Man! With this case of beer, I can DRINK away my sorrows!
DUFF MAN
Duff Man has
saved the day, once again making it possible to drink a beer a peace, and to
know once and for all that one Duff is never enough! Oh yeah!
Party breaks out - fade out.
FADE
IN – SIDEWALK – NIGHT
The cast of Dawson’s Creek sits on the
sidewalk, looking bored.
DAWSON
What do you think?
Give ‘em five more minutes?
The Rest of the Cast shrugs/nods in agreement.
They go back to waiting.
FADE
OUT
THE END
