Osama bin Laden VS Vizzini - A Battle of Wits
by Nathaniel Jones
based on The Princess Bride

V: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would endorse the candidate he actually wants to win, or endorse his enemy? [Vizzini pauses to study Osama] Now, a clever man would endorse his own candidate, because he would know that only a great fool would vote for who he was told. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not for the candidate you endorse. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not vote for the candidate you insult.

O: You’ve made your decision then?

V: Not remotely. Because you are from Saudi Arabia, as everyone knows. And Saudi Arabia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not vote for the candidate you endorse.

O: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

V: Wait till I get going! Where was I?

O: Saudi Arabia.

V: Yes – Saudi Arabia, and you must have suspected I would have known your origin, so I can clearly not vote for the candidate you claim to oppose!

O: You’re just stalling now.

V: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten my towers, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have endorsed the candidate you don’t want, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not vote for the candidate you say you like. But, you’ve also bested the FBI and CIA, which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the person you don’t want as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not vote for the person who you say you don’t want!

O: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something – it won’t work –

V: It has worked – you’ve given everything away – I know which candidate to vote for!

O: Then make your choice.

V: I will. And I choose [stops suddenly and points at something behind Osama] what in the world can that be?

O: [Turns, looks] What? Where? I don’t see anything.

[Vizzini quickly switches the ballots while Osama has his head turned.]

V: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.

[Osama turns to face him again. Vizzini starts to laugh.]

O: What’s so funny?

V: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, I’ll vote - for the candidate you endorse.

[Vizzini picks up his ballot and votes for George W. Bush]

O: You guessed wrong.

V: [roaring with laughter] You only think I guessed wrong… [louder now] …that’s what’s so funny! I switched ballots when your back was turned. You fool.

[Osama sits silently.]

V: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Iraq.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against an American when death is on the line.”

[Vizzini roars with laughter, and falls over dead]

Osama’s Secret: He spent the three years following 9/11 developing an immunity to American politicians.