Episode Nine: In the Realm of Mr. Snuggles

Mr. Snuggles, the Anti-Static Bear, was perched on a stone deep inside his Fortress of Power on a remote asteroid within the Oberon Galaxy. His Fortress was strewn with dryer sheets and static-filled pants, and as Mr. Snuggles looked over his handiwork, he cackled like a mad bear, because in recent months his Dryer Sheet Empire had turned him from a cute cuddly spokes bear into a savage, drunk-with-power maniacal Evil cute cuddly spokes bear. He leapt from his stone and into a pile of freshly laundered shirts, lifting them up to his face and breathing in the fresh smell – and then reached out his hand and shot static lighting across the room, scorching a large area. Mr. Snuggles let out a wicked ‘Bwa ha ha ha!’ and dove deep into the warm laundry for a quick Evil Nap.

Moments later, the door to the fortress swung open, and in the doorway stood Captain McGregor, along with his band of Kung Fu Space Pirates, all decked out in full battle dress. They stepped carefully into the room, knowing that Mr. Snuggles could be anywhere – and they wanted to find him before he found them. Because the Captain’s Kung Fu Space Pirate intuition was telling him that Mr. Snuggles was not the cuddly loveable bear that he had grown up with in grammar school, when being a Kung Fu Space Pirate was only a dream from Captain McGregor, and being a spokes bear for a major dryer sheet company was only a dream for Mr. Snuggles. Indeed, the captain felt deep in his gut that the bear he met today would be much changed from those long ago days – and the change would be for the worse… much worse….

The captain crept around the room, trying to keep the war in his pants quiet so he could sneak about in a stealthy way. But the warring pant legs would not listen to the pleas of the Captain, who they referred to as the ‘Great Satan,’ and shocked him with a couple lightning bolts to teach him a lesson. The lightning bolts continued to fly as the Captain examined the piles of laundry and dryer sheets that littered the floor, until he got near the massive pile of fresh shirts in which Mr. Snuggles was currently napping.

The captain noticed the slight rise and fall of the shirts as Mr. Snuggle breathed in and out – and so the Captain ever so slowly reached down into the shirts to attempt to apprehend the bear before he had the chance to fight back. But just as the captain’s hand touched the fur of the cuddly Mr. Snuggles, the militant right leg of his pants shot a massive lightning bolt towards the Left Leg – and missed completely. The lightning bolt flew towards the captain’s chest, and bounced off one of the gold dangly bits on his jacket, and then blasted through the clothes and shocked Mr. Snuggles like crazy right on the tuckus. The cuddly bear flew into the air in a rage – both at being shocked, and at being awoken from a pleasant dream involving vast quantities of yogurt and spread among five hundred gilded aquariums.

Mr. Snuggles rubbed his hands together and sent lightning bolt after lightning bolt towards the captain, sending him flying against the wall of the fortress. The rest of the Kung Fu Space Pirate Crew drew their weapons and leapt into action. The Kung Fu Space pirates went into battle, and so they took their swords from their sheaths, and they gnashed their teeth, just like in the Epic Poem that all of them loved so much that they had etched onto the back of their eye patches that they could read it during battle. Or rather, they could read it if they could see out of that eye.

But Mr. Snuggles’ power was so great that he raised his hands in the air and sent a ball of static electricity throughout the room, and the metal of the Kung Fu Space Pirate Swords drew it in, and each and every pirate dropped their weapons on account of being shocked when they laid fingers upon them. It didn’t so much hurt to touch them as it was a situation where when they touched the metal of the sword, they’d say ‘ouch! Dang – that didn’t really hurt, but it was surprising.” Sometimes there was even a spark when someone touched it, and then all the Kung Fu Space Pirates would gather around that sword while the pirates tried to get it to spark again, because it looks really cool when it sparks like that.

When all of the Kung Fu Space Pirates were incapacitated, Mr. Snuggles the Anti-Static bear did a triple somersault through the air and landed at the feet of Captain McGregor in a really awesome Action Pose. Captain McGregor was weak from being hit by a bunch of lightning bolts, and his fighting abilities were weakened additionally due to his being distracted by the static cling of his pants. Whereas before he could adjust the pants so they clinged in a more comfortable fashion, by this time the war between legs was so great that if he even put his hands near them, they’d get shocked like crazy. The Captain began to worry if he would ever be able to have children.

Mr. Snuggles stood up and grabbed Captain McGregor’s sword before he had the chance to stop him. The Anti-Static Bear placed the sword to the Captain’s neck, and said in a villainous British Accent that he had been practicing just so he could make this speech one day, “I’m not going to kill you, you know…”

This was a great relief to Captain McGregor, because he had begun to think that Mr. Snuggles might possibly kill him, what with his being turned into an Evil Bear, and considering he was holding a sword to his neck. In fact, he was so certain that Mr. Snuggles was about to kill him, that he had begun to try to get his life to flash before his eyes, but wasn’t having much luck at it. He could remember some things from elementary school, and from years since then, and he could remember very clearly what he had for dinner last night (Brocolli and Cheese with some roast chicken and mashed potatoes with that good gravy that he likes... not home-made gravy: it comes from a powder, but it tastes so good anyway. In fact, one time the cook decided to make some real home-made gravy for a special occasion, because he figured that home-made would taste better than powdered, but as it turned out the Captain much preferred the powdered gravy for some reason. It struck him as odd that he’d prefer the cheaper, less-fresh version, but the Captain couldn’t explain it, beyond knowing what tastes better to him, and in this case, it was powdered gravy. No offense to the cook’s skills. Perhaps it was some sort of artificial flavoring, or perhaps it was that they make the flavor extra good to make up for the lack of actual home cooking… Either way, the Captain was making himself hungry just thinking about it) and he could remember the first and last names of all the Ghost Busters – but then as he thought about it, he couldn’t remember Louis’ last name. And knowing that he was not sure about it, he knew it would drive him crazy until he got back to the ship and could look it up. Because it was right on the tip of his tongue, too, and Rick Moranis is one of his favorite actors in those movies, but for some reason all he was getting was “Louis…” and no last name. “Bah!” thought the captain, “I hate when this happens.” Then the captain remembered about Mr. Snuggles standing there with the sword to his neck, and decided it was best to focus on the situation at hand and listen to Mr. Snuggles as he continued his speech:

“No, I’m not going to kill you, because you are a necessary part of my plan. Or rather – your pants are.” Captain McGregor looked down at his pants, and saw that one of the factions of static was building a large Trojan Horse on his upper thy. “You see, for years I prided myself on my status as an Anti-Static Bear. But then I had a revelation – all of that static electricity is being destroyed by my dryer sheets! But think of all that I could do if I instead INCREASED that static’s power? Why, I could build an empire based on generating Static Electricity for the benefit of Mankind! But then, when I started to increase the static electricity, I had another revelation – whey benefit mankind when I can benefit myself even more? And so I increased the static even more, and now everywhere in the galaxy, each and every pair of pants is conflicting –making more friction – making more static electricity, and now all of that static electricity will be harnessed by me to power this:” Mr. Snuggles pointed to a wall, and pulled on a chain that drew back a massive curtain to reveal a juggernaut of a transport suit. “That suit, dear Captain, was built to such a scale that when I enter it and power it up, I will be the single most powerful creature in the universe! But the only way to generate enough static electricity to run it was through one man – you – and your wonderfully static pants!”

“But why MY pants?” asked the Captain.

“Because I knew that when you wore your freshly laundered pants, you would not be able to resist strutting, trotting, jumping, spinning, goose-stepping, dancing, and doing the funky chicken in them – and all of those steps combined would create the warring state that exists in your pants right now! Your pants are the key to my domination of the entire Universe!”

Captain McGregor interrupted – “You mean, only if I strutted, trotted, jumped, spun, goose-stepped, danced, and did the funky chicken would my pants be powerful enough to power your death machine?”

“Exactly!” said Mr. Snuggles, the Anti-Static Bear.

“Well guess what – I forgot the Funky Chicken when I accidentally inhaled two pencils into my nose, and so I didn’t do it!”

Mr. Snuggles looked horrified – “But that can’t be! All my planning! All my research! All my work!” Mr. Snuggles stepped back, and Captain McGregor stood up. “It was all for nothing! You, Captain McGregor, have foiled my plans – and thus destroyed my life! But at least I can destroy yours as well!” Mr. Snuggles lunged towards Captain McGregor with his sword – but Captain McGregor quickly lept into the air, and Mr. Snuggles’ sword slid right along the Captain’s pants. The warring factions took that as a direct attack from Mr. Snuggles, and so all joined together to leap from the Captain’s pants and get their revenge against Mr. Snuggles.

The cuddly bear’s hair was perfectly suited for the static to latch on to, and so all of the energy from the captain’s pants was then transferred to the Bear. Such an amount of electricity for such a small cuddly bear is not good for the health of said bear, and indeed, he was flung across the room and sent crashing through the wall of his fortress. The Kung Fu Space Pirates left the fortress to find where he landed, and when he was found, there was a moment of silence, as they all thought he was dead for sure.

But as it turned out, he wasn’t quite. So when the Captain went to drape a cloth over his little cuddly bear face, the bear coughed and made one final speech: “Oh, Captain McGregor, I was a fool to think that I could control the universe using the energy I fought for so long to eliminate. I am sorry Universe – I was wrong… and now I pay the price…”

The captain laid his hat over top of Mr. Snuggles’ face, and then stood up and announced that Mr. Snuggles was indeed a very good bear, and should be remembered for all the good non-Static-filled years they had all shared. And then the captain led his crew in a round of ‘for he’s a jolly good anti-static bear,’ and they erected a monument to Mr. Snuggles’ memory there in front of his fortress, and all was right with the world. Because Captain McGregor is, indeed, a wise and courageous Captain.

And Now, Episode Ten: Day-Cepticons!