Kung Fu Space Pirates of the Oberon Galaxy
By Nathaniel Jones
Episode One: No Nap Time for Kung Fu Pirate Captains
It was a day much like any other day in the Oberon Galaxy. Captain McGregor, leader of the fiercest gang of kung-fu space pirates this side of the Mississippi Nebula, awoke from a pleasant dream about pixies and whipping cream to the sound of his bedside radio crackling on. The gruff voice of his Secretary of Wicked Nasty Threats, Mark Right, shouted out his usual morning greeting: “We’re under attack!”
“Who?! Wha!?” shouted the captain as he lept from his bed and grabbed his kung fu pirate sword from its sheath and waved it around, and jumped around, and did some flying kicks in the air, and spun around in a circle, and got dizzy, and sat down on the bed. He wished he had some coffee about this time.
The radio crackled again. “Captain, we’re under attack! Get to the deck immediately! Because we’re totally under attack!”
“I wish I had some coffee about now” thought the captain out loud. “Is there any on the deck?”
“There was, but the janitor mopped it up” Mark replied.
“Dammit – I’ll be right up” mumbled the captain as he got back to his feet and shuffled towards the shower.
“Better hurry – we’re under attack.”
The captain threw a rude gesture toward the radio, but the Secretary didn’t notice, because it is a radio, and not some sort of video transmitter. If it had been a video transmitter, and the Secretary had noticed, he would sure have said “gasp!” or some such expression of shock that the captain would make such a rude gesture. But as it was, the Secretary just walked around in a circle on the deck trying to look productive while he waited for the captain to arrive.
The captain stepped out of the shower, clean and smelling of a crisp Irish morning. His special Captain’s soap was crisp morning scented – it was Irish because the captain liked to do some drinkin’ while he took his morning shower. There was some debate among the crew about whether or not he was an alcoholic, but never in front of his face, because then he surely would have thrown a rude gesture toward them. Or else he would have told them to go stand by a radio, and he would have thrown the rude gesture towards that, so they would always wonder whether he did or whether he didn’t throw a rude gesture at them, and they would never know. But they would always have their suspicions.
The captain stepped out from the kung fu space pirate portal they have on deck there and walked towards the Secretary of Wicked Nasty Threats. “Mr. Secretary – you look very productive right now. Did you do something new to your hair?” asked the Captain.
“I walked around in a circle so long that it began to lean to the left” Replied the secretary. And what he said was true, and so if you begin to spread it as a rumor, you can assure whoever you tell that it is factually accurate, and then you will gain acceptance as a Person Who Knows Good Gossip About What Happened To Certain People’s Hair Styles. And that would look good on a resume.
“I still wish I had some coffee. Some Irish coffee” said the Captain. He also liked to do some drinkin’ while he was briefed on who was launching the morning attack against his ship. The crew members look at each other knowingly.
One of the kung fu space pirate assistants brought the captain a cup of Irish coffee. The captain took a taste, and thought it was a little too heavy on the coffee, and too light on the Irish. He didn’t complain about it though. Instead, he waited till the assistant walked away, and then threw a rude gesture at her. The captain has a strong throwing arm because it gets a lot of use. If they changed the game of baseball so that rather than throwing a baseball, the pitcher threw rude gestures, the captain could be in the Major League – and that would be nice, because he likes that Major League Chew bubblegum, but can never have because he is not in the Major Leagues. The captain reflected on this, and he sighed.