Harry Potter and the End of the Series
By Nathaniel Jones

WARNING! This book contains SPOILERS that could SPOIL the previous books if you don't already know what happens in them! Also, since J.K. Rowling is making each of her books more 'Adult' than the last, you should be warned that this children's book should not be read by children. It includes such inappropriate things as filthy drunk people, and a massive lesbian orgy. If you are offended by offensive things, you should not read this book.

Chapter One: The Trio Reunites

That summer with the Dursleys was particularly difficult for Harry, because not only was he still mourning the death of Dumbledore, but he also had to deal with his wanky pseudo-sibling, who was all the time trying to get Harry to whip him up some love potion (because the ladies were not buying his story that they should join him in the sack because he had more cushion for the pushin’). The seconds crept past – the minutes felt like hours, the hours felt like days, the days felt like tough leather, and the thought of leather made Harry think of Hermione, who would most likely be opposed to the killing of cows to create comfortable shoes, which is why she always wore comfortable shoes that were murder-free.

One day while Harry was playing with his wand, he realized “hey! I’m not going to Hogwarts anymore, so I might as well skip all this monotony and begin my quest for those Horcruxes!” And that’s just what he did. First thing, of course, was to call up Ron and Hermione with his special Wizard Powers, and tell them to get their lazy butts over there so they could start kicking some Ass-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. So he called up Ron with his magic what-have-you and was like “Ronnie Ronnie Ronnie!” and Ron was like “Oi Oi Oi!” and they both had a good laugh and made bawdy noises at each other. Then he told Ron to get off his arse and join him in the fight against evil, to which Ron replied that he would, he guessed, if he had to (because Ron isn’t as much into fighting evil as he ought to be at his age.) Before he hung up, Harry asked to speak to his sister, so Ron put Ginny on the phone, and Harry said “Hey Ginny – remember how for a while there were, like, making out nonstop, and then I totally ditched you Spiderman-style?” to which Ginny responded that she did, and then Harry made some boom-shaka-laka noises and made lewd thrusting motions with his potions, during which Ginny hung up in Disgust.

Then it was time to call Hermione, who was busy studying her books and things. “Hey Hermione – get your head out of those books and come join the fight against Voldemort.” Hermione sighed and said “Oh Harry, I think that we should get some more studying in so we can be sure you’re prepared!” to which Harry Replied “Well I think you should get some more studying in so you can be sure you’re prepared to suck my balls! Shut the book and get your sweet little ass over here, lesbo.” Hermione was about to protest, but before she could Harry made a loud cat-call and hung up, so she really had no choice but to drop what she was doing and join in the fight. When she arrived at the Weasley house, she found Harry and Ron already there, reading dirty magazines and flinging boogers and flatulence everywhere. Once they had packed up their wands and a few other belongings, Harry, Ron, and Hermione set off on their quest to defeat Voldemort once and for all.

Chapter Two: The Death Eaters Have a Killer Party

While the trio fighting on the side of good was regrouping, the Death Eaters were having some crazy wild party to celebrate the death of Dumb-bledore. Voldemort himself was there, but he was pretty wasted, and he kept making out with all these skanky sluts that were totally wasted too. It was pretty awesome when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named puked all over Snape, who was like “oh no you didn’t!” and then had to go change into a different long black frock thing. The only one not having a good time was little boy Malfoy, who was all upset because Snape had yelled at him earlier, saying “Man, you made me go and kill Dumbledore, man! Why did you have to puss out there, huh? You totally ruined my cover!” and all that sort of thing. So Malfoy was all alone feeling sorry for himself, and he was extra depressed because the only lady that was trying to make out with him was some old lady who smelled like prune juice and tequila.

Some moments later, as Voldemort was pulling his face back out of the toilet bowl, he felt a sudden disturbance in his little toe which told him that Harry Potter had just begun the Epic Quest to Destroy him, and so Crazy V called off the party, told everyone to drink a lot of black coffee and eat a lot of bread, and to prepare for battle, for the next day they would begin the attack against the Good Trio. And then Crazy V Puked right on Snape AGAIN – man, it was wild!

Chapter Three: The Forest of Misery

Harry, Ron and Hermione had been walking for hours. Ron kept bitching about how his shoes hurt, and Hermione kept talking about how he should have been prepared and gotten some comfortable shoes like she had, and Harry had to keep them both from getting into fist fights with each other, and Harry was like “Man! Why did I bring them along anyway?” and thought about leaving them behind, but then decided against it because it was nice having them there to carry his things for him. He would carry his own things, but hey – he’s “The Friggin’ Chosen One.” AKA “The Boy Who Lived, Bitches!” So it was really below him to do physical labor.

They walked for miles and miles, and by nightfall they found themselves hopelessly lost in the Forest of Misery, without a single clue about where to find the next Horcrux. So they set up camp and had a nice campfire, with Ron singing that ‘Weasley Is Our King” song, which he had extended to include a few refrains and verses and three part harmony, which he had written down and given to Harry and Hermione to study so they could sing backup. After everyone had grown tired of the catchy tune, they turned in for the night. But it was not a pleasant night for our heroes, for throughout the night, they could hear the sounds of the Death Eaters drawing closer…

Chapter Four: The Rotten Banana

The next morning, Harry awoke half past noon, only to find that Hermione and Ron had already been up for hours, and didn’t even have the common decency to bring him breakfast in bed. “Morning, assholes!” announced Harry as he emerged from the tent, scratching his pits.

“What the heck?” asked Hermione, with heavy lesbian undertones.

“Why didn’t you bring me breakfast in bed?” Answered Harry as he removed his shorts from his butt crack, where they had migrated during the night. He then proceeded to look around for some munchies. Unfortunately, the only thing he could find was a rotten banana high in a tree. “Oh man, I’m gonna eat that banana.” Said Harry.

Hermione protested, but Harry stopped her by putting a sock down her pants. He then proceeded to climb the tree, grab the banana, and then jumped back down, landing on Ron’s foot. Ron yelped in pain, to which Harry replied “ha ha ha.” Then Harry peeled the banana and ate it in one bite. It was disgusting. He tossed the peel over his shoulder and then went on his way. But Hermione didn’t follow him just yet, because she noticed a little note stuck on the banana peel, so she stopped to pick it up and read it. It said: “Note to self! Do not eat this banana, because it is a Horcrux! Love and Kisses, Crazy V.”

Hermione was surprised. “Hey Harry! You just ate one of Voldemort’s Horcuxes!” To which Harry responded with a “cha-ching” hand motion, and slapped her on the backside to celebrate. Ron tried to slap her on the backside to celebrate, but that was just awkward. Hermione might have found the awkwardness endearing if she were attracted to men in the least. But she wasn’t, so that was that, and they went on their way.

Chapter Five: A Horcrux in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush

Once they had packed up camp and started back through the Forest of Misery, Harry started spazzing out or something. It might have been a side effect from eating a Horcrux – but how would they know that? They’re not like some sort of wizard doctors or something. So just get off their backs or something!

They were in fine spirits other than Harry’s sudden spinning leaps into surrounding shrubs, however, so they ventured on, singing the Weasley song and chittering and chattering. Things were going well indeed, until during one of Harry’s wild shimmies led him into a bush in which there were two small glass eggs, with a note saying “one of these is a horcrux! The other is a magic egg full of magic and good stuff!” Harry, Ron and Hermione were like “hmm” because they didn’t know which was which, and they didn’t want to accidentally break the wrong one. So they set them down on a rock, to decide with eeny-meenie-miney-mo. But before they could finish the rhyme, Harry spazzed out again and fell on top of the rocks, smashing them both, at which point it was revealed that in fact they were both horcruxes, and Voldemort had hidden them in that bush because he thought he was being clever, when really he was just a ‘tard.

So they were feeling pretty pleased with themselves, and decided that since they had done so well, they deserved to take the rest of the day off, so they set up the camp, and went skinny dipping for the rest of the day. Harry and Ron enjoyed the hotness of Hermione, but she did not so much enjoy the hotness of Harry and Ron due to reasons she could not fully understand, but which we know to be because she’s such a lesbian.

Chapter Six: Death Eaters are Spooky!

While they slept soundly in their tent that night, the Death Eaters finally made it to their camp site, and in order to terrorize them, the death eaters started thumping around on their tent and playing bad records from the early 90s, and leaving little wooden Blair Witch Project-style stick figures lying around to frighten them into leaving the forest before finding Voldemort.

The next morning things were tense around the breakfast table, as Ron and Hermione were fighting worse than Ever, and Harry wasn’t helping anything by repeatedly reminding them both that in the past day he had found and destroyed three Horcruxes, while neither of them had done anything useful at all. By the end of breakfast they were all so sick of each other that they decided it would best for them all to just split up and go their separate way.

Chapter Seven: Hermione

Hermione set off through the woods using the trees and other natural symbols as her guides. She knew all about how to follow signals to find settlements because she’s brainy like that, and by the end of the day of walking, she found herself in a beautiful grotto with lakes and waterfalls and everything. It didn’t look like the sort of place Death Eaters would hang out, and there were no other people around, so she got naked once again (Hermione just looooves to be nekkid) and swam about in the pristine pools. After a few hours of this, she started to hear voices – beautiful voices that sounded like chimes in the wind. She wanted to hide, but something was drawing her to the voices.

And then they arrived – the inhabitants of this grotto: a group of one hundred of the most beautiful nymphs she had ever seen, and each one as naked as she. The nymphs leapt into the water, splashing each other playfully, and Hermione felt a feeling deep inside she had never felt before, outside of a few instances in the girls shower rooms. The Nymphs were laughing and playing, but then they stopped, and all eyes turned to Hermione.

Hermione looked for a place to hide, but it was too late, and four of the nymphs put their arms around her and drew her into the center of the lake. The leader of the nymphs, the most beautiful one of them all, stepped forward. “Who are you, and why have you come to our grotto?” she asked, to which Hermione replied that she had followed the signs to life and found herself there quite by accident, but felt herself strangely attracted to this place, and strangely attracted to the beautiful nymphs that lived there. She was going to go on, but the head nymph stopped her by kissing her full on the lips, and wrapping her arms around her to caress her back and buttocks.

Hermione was taken aback, but felt as if she had found where she was supposed to be at last. “Who… who are you?” asked Hermione, to which the head nymph replied “We are the Nympho Nymphs. You were brought here because this is where you are meant to be, and now that you are here, it is time for us to have a massive lesbian orgy amidst the springs and waterfalls.” Hermione couldn’t argue with this logic, and what followed was the most passionate and erotic lesbian orgy ever imagined in the world, and boy were Ron and Harry sorry they had left her now.

Chapter Eight: Ron

Ron set off in a different direction – he had a compass with him, and so followed it West, all the while singing his new fancy version of Weasley is our King. He had walked for miles and miles, and sung his song dozens of times, until suddenly a little man in a loud suit stepped out in front of him and began speaking quickly: “Say there friend, I happened to hear you singing just then, and I think you have the potential to be one of the greatest singers of our time! What do you say we bring you to Germany to make you a Pop Sensation?” Ron thought this sounded fine, so he agreed. He then hopped in the little man’s jet and flew straight to Germany, where in a matter of hours he had been transformed into a bigger German Pop Sensation than David Hasselhoff!

The weeks and months went by, and Ron’s hits topped the charts over and over – in his first six weeks in Germany, he had already had 700 number one hit singles. The ladies loved him, the fellas loved him for making songs that were excellent to listen to while doing the nasty, and puppies loved him because he wrote a song for a dog food commercial. Ron became immensely popular, and immensely rich. He became so rich in fact that he called up the rest of his family and bought them a giant mansion on the French Riviera, where all of them lived except for Ginny, who had run away from home after Harry broke up with her. And… uh…. That’s what happened with Ron.

Chapter Nine: Harry Potter and the Star Wars References

Harry was having a very rough time of it – he searched for weeks with no luck finding the final Horcrux, and each night the death eaters became more and more nasty. They had started being so bad that they through little greasy fish at him whenever he took a potty break.

But then one day, all of that changed, for as Harry was looking for a place to pee, there stood Voldemort, also looking for a place to pee. They both looked at each other, and knew that this was where the battle would be. Crazy V called in his Death Eaters, and they all stood around in a circle cheering him on. Then there was a Great Fight between Harry and Crazy V – although not as great as it could have been, because they each had to focus some of their energy into not wetting their pants.

Just when everyone thought that it wasn’t going to end yet, Lord Voldemort pulled out some crazy new spell nobody had ever seen before, and it lifted Harry up into the air and started draining the life out of him. Harry became weaker and weaker, and was nearing the point of death, when something unexpected happened!

Professor Snape stepped forward, and switched sides once again! That’s right – he turned against Voldemort to save the boy’s life, totally Darth Vader-style! Of course Snape couldn’t defeat Crazy V because he’s a little wimpy Death Eater Formerly Known as ‘Half-Blood Prince,’ but at least it gave Harry time to run away like a sissy, and that’s just what he did.

Harry ran and ran, until he ran into a very unexpected figure – Dumbledore! That’s right, there was Dumbledore – he had become an Obi-Wan-Style Ghost! Dumbledore explained that there was a reason that Harry couldn’t find the final Horcrux, and that was because it was Harry Himself! And this being the case, the only way to defeat Voldemort for once and for all, he would have to destroy himself and Crazy V at the same time! Harry was pretty bummed, but not too surprised since he had kind of imagined it would end like this for some time. So Harry did a few things that he wanted to do before he died, and then went back to the Death Eaters to finish things once and for all.

Chapter Ten: Harry Potter and the End of the Series

Harry walked back into the circle of Death Eaters, and changed into his Boxing Shorts, because that’s what he felt like wearing. He was about to signal the start of the epic battle, but then came another shocker: there in the crowd was Ginny, making out with Malfoy! “Oh – you little slut!” shouted Harry at her, but she just flipped him the bird and stuck her tongue down Malfoy’s mouth again. If she had been able to talk, she would have said that she was doing this to get back at him for being so rude to her on the phone, but as it was Harry just felt totally betrayed, and didn’t want to kill Voldemort until he had settled this whole Ginny thing first.

But unfortunately for Him, Crazy V didn’t care about their little soap opera dealings, and so started the fight anyway. I won’t give you all the gory details, but I’ll just say that Harry died a pretty gruesome death, but that you shouldn’t be too sad about it because before he died he got one good spell in that hit Crazy V right in the groin, and that was the most painful way to die ever.

Epilogue

So in the end most everyone lived happily ever after. Dumbledore’s ghost was able to go back and remain the headmaster at Hogwarts forever and ever, Ron’s singing career took him all over the world and made him so famous that he even got his own “behind the music” special, Hermione lived in bliss as she had non-stop lesbian sex with one hundred beautiful-beyond-human-possibility nympho nymphs, Malfoy finally got to find out what a girl looks like naked, and all the death eaters and everyone else got to go back to their day jobs. The only ones it didn’t work out so well for were Harry and Voldemort, but hey – it was for a good cause.

The End!

Now that you've read the book, Watch the Movie!