Hamlet Was A Great Dane

By Master of Titles, Nathaniel Jones

What is it that has kept the eyes of highschool students glued to the pages of Hamet since the invention of highschool students? Yes! The threat of a bad grade. But I meant BESIDES that. Need a hint? Well, I suppose if you didn’t I wouldn’t be standing here typing this paper. (*Authors Note: Whereas I would usually correct myself by saying “sitting here typing...” this is not applicable in this situation because I really am standing, with my keyboard placed on a hatbox so that I can reach the keys, and my legs keep running into the chair behind me, and I wonder what it’s doing so close to the desk, anyway? But enough of my irrelevant commentary, back to the paper!) (*Authors Note: Sorry, I lost my train of thought, so I’ll wait here for a while and catch the next one...)

What is it that has kept the eyes of highschool students glued to the pages of Hamet since the invention of highschool students? Yes! The threat of a bad grade. But I meant BESIDES that! The answer is complex, and involves many levels of wisdom and a clear understanding of the human psyche. And it helps if you’ve read the play, too. I shall begin, if I may, at the begining. Hamlet is like an onion. For the benefit of those who have not seen Shrek, I shall explain further. An onion has many layers. Hamlet has many layers. Following the mathematical rule that if A=B, and B=C, then A=C, seeing as how both Hamlet and an onion have layers, logic would tell us that Hamlet is like an onion. But enough of this! Now is the time for all good writers to come to the point of the essay (past the time, really). So what is the point, you ask? Well, I shall proceed on to that now, as we say in the business. Hamlet, with all his onion-like characteristics, has one aspect which people have seen for many years as so very important both to the literary world and to life in general that they have seen fit to write much about it, and I, not one to create partisan bickering in times such as these, will follow the crowd by wrting about this same topic. What topic, you say? Why, I thought it was quite obvious! I don’t have one. Yup, all that buildup, with no conclusion. I give you permission to thrash me to within an inch of pain after school. Remember, my name is George W. Bush. I live at 1600 Penn. Avenue...